


What is Owed

by cocoeys



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Basically tfa and tlj Ben trapped in tros ben’s body, Ben Solo Lives, Ben is going through it, Devoted Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Devoted Reylo, F/M, Heaps of suffering for everyone, Memory Loss, POV Ben Solo, POV Rey (Star Wars), Pining, Possessive Rey, Post-TRoS, Rey is so so sad, Rose is a sweetheart
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-21
Updated: 2021-01-26
Packaged: 2021-03-12 07:53:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,511
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28882002
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cocoeys/pseuds/cocoeys
Summary: Six months after Palpatine’s defeat, Ben is found wandering the planes of Exegol.‘He’s fine physically. But his mind... Rey, something’s not right.’
Relationships: Rey & Ben Solo, Rey & Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 20
Kudos: 71





	1. Chapter 1

On Jakku, Rey’s life had been a steady stream of moments, that, though hard, had all been leading up to _something._ She had toiled everyday; for shelter, for food, for security. She survived from one moment to the next, never hesitating, always holding onto the hope that her family would come back for her.

All her scratches on the wall were testament to the days she’d spent alone, and she had thought that the universe, seeing this, would offer her fair trade one day. And in the moments she caught herself despairing, she would look at her wall, look at all those notches – and think in hope, the more there were, the more the universe would see how long she’d been alone, and one day would give her twice, thrice as many days where she didn’t have to be. Because that was fair. 

Before she’d realised that the universe was _not_ fair.

Now her moments were different. She was no longer hungry, or cold or afraid of men that might come and take what she didn’t want to give. There were no scratches on her wall: marking days until she didn’t have to mark them anymore. There was no hope. But there was still despair. And she couldn’t comfort herself by thinking that the universe would even the pain out anymore – because it already _had_ ; for a single, shining moment, and then it had taken it away again – cruelly yanked from her grasp just as she’d let it settle into the frayed parts of heart.

There would be no getting it back.

Six months.

It had been _six_ _months_ since she’d watched Ben fade before her, since she’d felt her soul sever in two. She’d always been able to feel him, even when she wasn’t actively seeking him, but where he’d burned hot and bright now there was nothing. Only an absence; a yawning cavern that could never be filled.

And she ached.

Oh, she _ached._

And it was a kind of pain she’d never had on Jakku. Anticipation was the thread she could pull when she felt the desert try to smother her; pulling back its weight piece by piece until she could breathe again. But now, all she felt was the loss of what could have – _should_ have – been hers. And there were no threads to pull on to free her.

If it was painful to be lonely, then it was unbearable to know belonging, and then be swept out into an empty sea once more. She was drowning, and the only person who could save her was already beneath the waves.

She slammed her head back into the wall as the thought hit her, and her eyes welled.

 _Shut up,_ she hissed angrily at herself, _shut up shut up shut up._

Ben wasn’t gone. She’d bring him back. She had to.

‘Rey.’

She startled at the sound of her name; looking up from the pile of books in front of her. Rose was standing at the door. ‘I knocked,’ she said, brows creasing. ‘Are you alright?’

Rey swallowed thickly, her anguish settling in her stomach like a stone. ‘Just reading,’ she replied, voice hoarse.

Rose regarded her for a minute more in concern. For the past few months she’d barely left her side – and it had helped, a little. Rose was always warm, and despite knowing she was too frozen, she pretended at thawing.

‘We’re leaving to get more supplies soon,’ she said finally, stepping into the room further. She crossed and came and sat next to Rey. She reached out for her hand and squeezed, but she was ice. ‘Do you want to come with us?’

Rey forced a smile and shook her head. She didn’t trust her voice again.

Rose’s frown persisted as she stared at Rey, troubled. Rey had told her that Ben had saved her, but that was all. She didn’t know about their connection, the force bonds, or the vast hollowness in her now that he was gone. She wanted to tell Rose what he’d meant to her, but how could she? After everything ended, everyone was so happy – of course, why shouldn’t they be? – so how could she burden Rose, or anyone with the ache that she carried?

And they would never understand.

But Rose knew, despite her silence – and she suspected Finn did as well – that something was amiss. She tried her best to be happy for them, to move from one moment to the next like she always had, but it was so _hard_ , and she knew the strain was bearing on her both mentally and physically.

She was wan, she didn’t eat. And she had terrible dreams.

‘I’ll bring you back some of those sweet cakes you like – with the almonds in?’

Rey swallowed another lump in her throat and nodded. She wanted to cry, but she didn’t.

‘Thanks Rose,’ she said quietly, squeezing her hand tightly, and she meant it.

When Rose left Rey turned back to her books, reading until the words started to blur together and her eyes ached. She would find a way to bring him back. She would.

.

.

.

Rey sat staring down at her evening meal with not a single token of hunger inside her. Still, she forced herself to swallow a few bites until the near permanent ache in her stomach ceased. The feeling of being too full came moments after, and she downed one, two, three glasses of water to encourage the food to stay down. She had grown tired of this push and pull of her body. All she was doing was trading one ache for another.

Up ahead, she heard a clamour. Poe was shouting something, which in itself wasn’t unusual, but his voice carried such a terrible, unprecedented undercurrent that she instinctively looked towards him. But she only caught a glimpse of the crowd ahead before Rose was suddenly there.

Rey blinked at her abruptness, wondering how many days she’d been gone. She no longer kept track of the time – she actively tried to avoid it, even. She felt an impending urgency, an icy dread, whenever she’d think about it. So she didn’t.

Every day, all she saw was the inky darkness of space. It was easy then to pretend that this was just one long, insomnia ridden night.

‘Hi Rose,’ she greeted, mentally shaking herself awake. ‘How was – ’

‘Rey,’ Rose cut her off, urgent. ‘There’s something I need to tell you before – ’

More shouting, louder this time, drowned out whatever Rose was saying, and Rey shook her head to signal that she couldn’t hear her.

‘…I don’t care! He shouldn’t be here!’

‘We couldn’t just leave him there – ’

‘That’s _exactly_ what you should have done – _after_ shooting him.’

‘You don’t understand – ’ 

All around her had gone silent, everyone’s murmuring talk now an unsettling hush. Rey looked around, a myriad of expressions frozen on people’s faces; none of them kind.

Rey looked back at Rose and tried to peer over her shoulder, but she mimicked her movements and blocked her view.

Her insides begun to twine; uncomfortably tight around her lungs.

‘What’s going on?’

Rose was quiet for a minute, her dark eyes wide and expressive.

And then –

‘We found him, Rey.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!! Yes friends we’re not messing about we’re jumping right in.
> 
> I haven’t written anything in years but I’ve been mulling this over in my mind for weeks and it refuses to quit me. I initially wanted to turn this into a series of comics but it grew too big and I.....cannot draw that well. 
> 
> Please bear with me my writing will improve as I remember how 🙏🏼
> 
> You can find me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/cocoeyss) too! if you like amateur reylo art drawn at a snails pace then boy oh boy do i have some good news for you.


	2. Chapter 2

Rey stared at Rose, uncomprehending.

The noise that had been all around her only moments ago had abruptly vanished. Even as her brain struggled to catch up, her body teetered on the precipice.

‘Who?’ she asked, her voice strange and detached. Far away.

Rose hesitated. ‘Kylo,’ she continued. ‘We found Kylo.’

Rey stared and stared and stared.

‘That’s not possible.’ She found it suddenly very hard to move her lips. Her fingers had gone numb.

‘He was on Exegol,’ Rose continued warily. ‘We –‘

‘That’s _not possible_!’ a high pitched, unpleasant shrill. Was that _her_?

It must have been, because she watched Rose flinch and her eyes dip down at the edges, her lips press together.

‘I know,’ she replied quietly. ‘But – ‘

Rey abruptly stood then, the calm quiet that had been instilled in her suddenly vibrating at the edges. A storm was shaking her bones; rattling her teeth, and she was about to spiral out of the eye of it.

It _was_ impossible, she thought hysterically. She’d read all the books, ten times over. _She_ would know.

She had deluded herself.

And she hadn’t let herself face the truth until now. Until the glaring impossibility of it is being spoken out loud. She felt her chest cleave in two and water brim, bitter and unbidden to her eyes.

‘Why are you doing this?’ Her voice was but a warble; nearly drowning.

‘Rey,’ Rose said in alarm, standing with her. Her hand reached out for Rey’s numb fingers but she stumbled back, out of reach. ‘I’m not – he’s really here.’

Logically, Rey knew that Rose would never intentionally hurt her. She’d never lie to her. But the two states of her mind refused to converge. It was too good to be true – so it must be. She’d had him only for a moment before he’d faded, she – she couldn’t do it again. She couldn’t bear the loss twice.

She snatched her gaze from Rose and tumbled to the right. She had to go before she spilled out onto the floor in front of everyone.

But before her stumble could turn into a run, she stopped.

_Ben._

Right there, right up ahead. Her vision was blurry and everything had a strange distorted sheen to it, but how could she not recognise him? He was hers.

And he was here.

She shook and her vision tunnelled.

_Ben._

It wasn’t impossible.

Her chest split open and rivulets of red ran upwards from her heart to leak down her cheeks. A sob caught and held in her throat, and when she breathed, it escaped in a devastating wail.

There was a sudden pressure on her arm, light but firm, like a tether back to reality. And in her peripheral she watched heads turn toward her, but her gaze was rapt on him up ahead, and when his head snapped in her direction, all she saw was him.

_Ben._

_I watched you disappear,_ she thought, _I felt you go._

She started moving again, arm outstretched as she pulled her suddenly lead heavy feet towards him. She needed to touch, to verify, because she needed to – because how else was she –

At the same time she reached out with her mind, he looked at her, frowning, and stepped back. _Away_ from her.

She stumbled.

Rose was suddenly beside her then, grasping her arm tighter than before. ‘Rey,’ she said urgently. ‘Wait, there’s something – ‘

Roses’s voice was swallowed by the encroaching darkness on the edges of her vision as horror, slow and awful, flooded her.

‘Don’t touch me.’

It was cold and harsh, full of fury just shy of boiling over. And she froze, like she was compelled, still staring at him. He stared back, but there was no recognition in his eyes, only anger.

Dread pooled low in her stomach, and the frost in his tone seized her suddenly, turning her to ice. A terror so patent washed over her she could taste it on the back of her tongue.

The yawning chasm persisted. She felt nothing from him.

His eyes – empty of her – were the last thing she saw before her vision closed in on all sides, and she fell to the ground.

.

.

.

Rey awoke sometime later, body and mind aching. Moments stretched by as she stared up at the ceiling. She felt tears leak from the corners of her eyes and didn’t try to stop them.

The door opened.

‘Hey,’ Rose said softly, coming over to bed. Light shone through briefly before darkness descended once more. She sat and reached out for Rey’s hand and squeezed. Rose was warm – she always was – but she couldn’t permeate the ice sitting frigid in Rey’s veins. ‘How are you feeling?’

‘He doesn’t know who I am,’ Rey said in way of answer, hollow. She thought of his empty eyes and couldn’t contain her flinch.

Rose only looked at her sadly and squeezed her hand tighter. She didn’t affirm rey’s statement. She didn’t need to.

Moments more, and she took a breath, her insides rattling from the chill. She pulled herself up until her back rested against the wall. Tears still sprung from her eyes like the _drip drip drip_ of a leaky tap, but she would not submerge herself in sorrow no matter how much she wished to sink. Answers, she needed. There was so much she didn’t understand.

‘Tell me?’ Rey asked, her voice a plea.

‘When we were on our way back we picked up a huge surge of energy from Exegol. We thought we should check it out because the last time that happened – ‘ here she glanced at Rey, and seeing her face pale, she quickly hurried on, ‘- well, you know.’

‘We found him just... walking around, like he’d just woken up from a long sleep. At first we didn’t know who he was but then one of the guards called out his name and he – he cuts a pretty distinctive figure, you know?’

Rey definitely _did_ know.

‘They opened fire,’ Rose said, and looked at Rey, bracing. Rey felt her insides grow cold with panic. She’d seen him with her own eyes, alive, but she’d been too caught up in her own feelings to register if he was wounded or not – he wouldn’t – he _couldn’t -_

‘They missed! They missed!’ Rose quickly assured, watching Rey’s hand grip her throat. She reached out and tried to unthaw her. ‘They’re all terrible shots, and he’s quick on his feet for a big guy.’ Rey’s lips trembled, and she wasn’t sure is she wanted to laugh or cry.

He was his father’s son, for sure.

‘I think - I think he was trying to use to force to stop us, but he – couldn’t. And he was weak. He hardly fought as we brought him on board.’

Rey swallowed painfully. ‘I can’t feel him.’ And at Roses’s confused look, expanded, ‘in the force. I can’t feel him. I always could, even when I wasn’t trying. But there’s – nothing. Not even a flicker. But he’s here. I saw him.’ Rey’s head spun. ‘You said he was weak. Is he okay?’ She looked at Rose suddenly, gripping her hands so tightly. Intensity spun out and streaked up and down her lungs. Everything came crashing down suddenly and she couldn’t believe – ‘Rose, he’s really here?’

Rose’s eyes widened.

Rey knew she must have looked like an animated, twitchy mess. Her heart was throbbing so hard it felt like it was going to break out of her chest, and the fire in her lungs was making it so, so painful to draw breath but she had to know he was alright. She had to know he was _really_ here.

‘Rey,’ Rose said, her voice so many octaves higher than usual. She pressed her hands down onto her shoulders gently and she only then felt how hard she was shaking. ‘He’s fine. He’s here. He’s _safe_.’ She squeezed her shoulders, emphasising. ‘So just breathe, okay? You’re going to pass out again. Please,’ Rose’s voice held a tremble. She was scaring her. Months of stillness and now she was splitting apart at the seams. ‘Breathe.’

Rose breathed deep and slow, and Rey copied her. She didn’t know how long she just breathed for, but at some point it stopped hurting to try, and she felt her violent shakes slowly dissolve into intermittent tremors.

‘You’ve been holding this in for a long time,’ Rose said finally, quietly, and her eyes turned over like something she had dwelled over for so long finally made sense. ‘He means a lot to you.’ Not a question.

She answered anyway.

‘Half my soul,’ she replied, voice raw and quiet in its intensity; her honesty.

Rose’s eyes glossed. ‘Oh, Rey.’

When she pulled her in for a hug, she was full of warmth, and an empathy Rey didn’t know she was allowed to have.

‘You should have told me,’ she said, her voice a sad chastisement.

At that Rey closed her eyes, a terrible pain spasming in her chest. She felt it rattle the ice in her veins; spill over onto her cheeks. And instead of tears, she pretended she was thawing.

.

.

.

Not long after, Finn came to her room, datapad in hand.

’Hey,’ he said softly, seeing her awake. ‘How are you doing?’

Rey gave him a weak smile in return. ‘I’m fine,’ she lied, but she’d been doing it for so long that it slipped out with ease. Rose looked at her sadly before giving her hand a squeeze and walking over to Finn.

‘How’s our guest?’

‘Good,’ Finn said, eyes darting to Rey. ‘Perfect, actually.’

Rey unravelled herself from the blanket and stood on shaky legs. She almost tumbled but she quickly put her hand out and managed to right herself. She wouldn’t fall again.

‘Ben?’ She asked.

Finn nodded, slow.

‘He’s okay?’

‘Not a scratch on him.’

A gust of air was drawn out from her then, and she knew the relief was palpable on her face. She didn’t try to suppress it – Rose knew – in part – and she figured Finn would know soon enough.

‘Rey, I don’t understand.’ Finn shook his head, confused. ‘How is he _here_? You said he sacrificed himself for you.’

‘He _did_ ,’ Rey asserted, equally as confused. ‘He gave his life force to me. And then he – he faded away.’ At his perplexed look, she stumbled over to the small cupboard in the corner of her room and pulled out the bundle of clothes she kept. She turned and showed them to Finn and Rose. ‘When he was gone, this was all that was left.’

‘Ah,’ Finn said slowly, ‘that explains that then, at least.’

Rey frowned, subconsciously gripping the clothes tighter. ‘Explains what?’

Finn’s expression turned sheepish as he rubbed the back of his neck. ‘He was, uh, naked when we found him.’

‘Oh,’ Rey said, dumbfounded. She really… didn’t know what to say to that.

‘Big guy,’ continued Finn, his eyebrows shooting up.

‘ _Finn!_ ’ Rose admonished, but he only shrugged in response.

Rey looked down at the bundle in her arms and stroked the worn material in her hand. His shirt made up her entire nightwear selection now.

She looked up abruptly. ‘I want to see him.’

Finn hesitated and shared a look with Rose.

‘What?’ she snapped, irritation starting to get the better of her. Her body was painfully on edge once more. _Six months_. She wanted to see him.

‘He’s fine physically,’ Finn said, looking at her nervously. He was force sensitive. She wondered if he could feel how unsteady she was.

‘But his mind… Rey, something’s not right.’

 _Don’t touch me_. She flinched as she heard his voice anew, cold at angry in a way she’d never known it before. She saw him in front of her, but felt the nothingness, the chasm, and her stomach roiled over, off kilter.

_It didn’t make sense._

‘Have you spoken to him?’ she asked finally, her fists opening and closing, opening and closing.

Finn shook his head. ‘He won’t talk. And we’ve scanned him from head to toe and there’s no visible damage to his brain.’ Rey slunk slightly in relief. ‘But we’ve shown him images,’ Finn continued. ‘And the only one he has any reaction to is Snoke’s.’

Rey’s whole body jolted as she stared at Finn, dread gnawing at her once again. He didn’t just not know her; he didn’t know any of them.

It wasn’t personal.

But that meant –

‘He’s lost years.’

Devastation pulled at Rey from all sides and she sunk down where she stood, gripping ben’s clothes to her chest tightly. If it had just been her then – then she would have found a way to cope with it, and even if she hadn’t, Ben’s being – his growth - couldn’t be reduced down to her. He had come so far, and he had done so much, and he remembered none of it.

How long?

How much of himself had he lost?

Han.

Leia.

Luke.

They were all dead.

And he didn’t know.

 _It would break him,_ she thought in despair, _to know again_.

She looked up and said quietly, ‘Where is he, Finn?’

‘In a cell,’ Finn replied, equally as quiet. ‘We thought it would be best – for the time being.’

Rey stood angrily at that. _Unfair_ , she thought. _It’s unfair_. ‘He’s not connected to the force. You have him in cuffs. He can’t _do_ anything.’ She wiped a falling tear away roughly. Tears wouldn’t help Ben. ‘ _Who_ is it best for?’

‘He’s still a criminal Rey,’ he said, frowning back at her. He didn’t understand her intense defense of him, because she’d never told him anything. ‘He can’t be left to wander freely about. Especially since it seems likely that, in his mind, he’s still Snoke’s pawn, and would no doubt kill us all if given the slightest opportunity.’

‘He’s powerless.’

Finn scoffed. ‘Just because he can’t throw us across the room with his mind doesn’t mean he’s not dangerous.’

Rey gritted her teeth together and glared at him. Whatever rationale he tried to throw at her didn’t so much as register. Her body was thrumming with nothing but feeling, and all she could see was his smile as he’d given her all of him, even though it has cost him everything.

Possessiveness spread throughout her like a fire. He was _hers_. She wouldn’t lose him again.

‘Rey,’ Rose interrupted, no doubt sensing the mounting tension in the room. ‘It’s best for Ben too, to be down there. _Safer_. No one else has history with him like you do. He’s a murderer to them. That’s all. I doubt anyone here feels too friendly towards him.’ Rey flinched at that. ‘The cells have cameras on them at all times. They won’t try anything if they know they’ll be caught.’

Rey knew her face was wounded when she finally turned her gaze to Rose. She wanted him to be safe.

And he wasn’t safe with her.

‘I can’t imagine how much it hurts Rey.’ Rose smiled sadly at her. ‘But it’s not forever.’

She felt her chest cave in, felt herself grow hollow once more.

 _He’s alive_ , she thrummed into her mind, so she wouldn’t succumb to the ache. _He’s alive he’s alive he’s alive._

‘Can I see him?’ she finally asked, as broken and small as she’d ever felt.

Rose snatched the datapad off Finn and quickly made her way over to Rey. She tapped a few times and then turned the screen up to face Rey.

‘There,’ she said softly, as Ben’s figure suddenly came into view. Rey gasped and had to adjust her grip on the datapad several times before she was sure she wouldn’t drop it. She was shaking again. ‘You see? He’s okay.’

.

.

.

Hours later, Rey lay in her bed, curled around the datapad, eyes barely blinking as she watched Ben move about the cell.

The picture was poor quality, but there was no doubt it was him. She’d memorised every expression, every step, every breath. And he was breathing. And he was real.

She tumble over every five minutes; her vision blurring as tears streamed. But she dashed them away as quick as they came because she couldn’t see him if she was crying. And she had to see him. To make sure he was safe. To make sure no one took him from her.

But still her soul ached. She kept reaching out, trying to feel for him, but there was only the vast emptiness, that yawning chasm. She had seen him in the flesh, and she could see him on the screen. She knew it wasn’t a trick. So why couldn’t she feel him in her mind?

Wherever he had gone, and however he’d been brought back – it had cost him, and dearly. Years of his life, and his connection to the force. And now he was in a cell, all alone, surrounded by people who despised him.

 _Unfair_ , her mind spat, _unfair unfair unfair_.

Her nails dug into the soft flesh of her palms and she felt the skin break but she didn’t care.

It was cold in the cells. He’d been cold when he’d faded.

For hours more she watched. He paced and prowled and overall made the space he was in shrink with every step. Eventually, he stopped and lay on the hard bed in the corner. Moments passed and she watched his body tremble, and she knew he was cold.

Stricken, she jolted up from her bed and gathered up the blanket and pillow. She staggered out of her room until she was in another – this one full of extra blankets – and she filled her arms with warmth until she could barely see ahead of her. And she ran.

He was safe in the cell.

So she would go to the cell.

.

.

.

She slowed her pace as she was just outside, listening as intently as she could. She couldn’t feel him in her mind anymore, but she could hear his breaths, and she knew he was asleep.

Heart thundering, she crept inside.

Her heart leapt into her mouth as his figure came into view. Her feet momentarily tethered her to the ground as she stared at him.

 _He’s really here_.

She gritted her teeth together so hard her jaw ached; sealing the sob inside of her.

Shaking, she forced herself into motion and sent the blankets one by one into the cell. So, so carefully, she laid the blankets on top of him, until she drew the last tremor of cold out of him.

He was warm. That was all she could do for him.

Anger swelled up inside her then but she pushed it back down quickly. _Later_. He was safe and warm and alive, and as she gripped the bars keeping him away from her, she allowed herself a watery smile of unencumbered joy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for reading! And thank you for the kudos and kind comments! :) Writing’s hard, but I’m trying! I always have lots of things I want to include so I get so many steps ahead of myself, so when I get to that particular point in the story I’ve usually forgotten what I was going to write or how I wanted to phrase it 😭 I’ve been thinking about this for so long though so I really want to share it - I hope I can do it justice and you guys like it!


	3. Chapter 3

For the next five days, Rey went down to the cells when Ben was asleep and covered him until his tremors subsided. On the first day he awoke smothered in blankets, she watched him stare at them, perplexed. He’d struggled to extract himself – she’d tucked and tucked until not an ounce of the cold air could creep through – and when he had, she knew the blankets would have been in shreds had he still been connected to the force.

That act must have been so confusing to him. He’d been shot at, captured, bound and then thrown in a cell. But all those things made sense. The resistance was, after all, his enemy.

Enemies do not give you blankets to ward off the cold.

Still, she covered him every night. And every morning he woke up, he hated those blankets a little bit more.

Kindness, at this point, served no purpose to him. Snoke had taught him to draw his power from pain, and she was determined not to let him have any.

So in addition to the blankets, she’d been constantly checking the food they sent down to him. The first day, she’d followed the guard and reached out and froze him in his tracks right before he rounded the corner to Ben’s cell. She’d swapped hers for his and sent the guard on his way again.

Back in her room, she’d found nothing especially wrong with the food, only the _sparsity_ of it. She’d frowned as she realised it wasn’t an accident. He couldn’t use the force but they still viewed him as a threat – as locked up and hidden away as he was. They wanted him weak.

Anger and resentment had pulled at her insides until she’d felt her blood boil with the burn of it. They were fools if they thought she’d let him go hungry.

So everyday she’d pull the guard aside, but instead of swapping the portions, she simply added to them; hot bread rolls and carrots and parsnips drizzled with honey; tender meats and cheeses with herbs and garlic. The sweet almond cakes Rose had got for her – she gave him those, too.

She watched as he looked down at the food, and his brows furrowed deep like they had when he’d regarded the blankets. It was excessively lavish for a prisoner. It didn’t make sense to him.

Rey didn’t even care if they knew what she was doing. The relief and pleasure on his face as he ate his fill was all the incentive she needed to keep piling his plate high. Food must have been just a mere necessity for such a long time for him; just enough to keep him going, and the taste had been irrelevant. It was the opposite now. She made his meals plentiful and delicious, driving away years of hunger he’d grown accustomed too. He had a litany of aches. She could soothe this one.

For five days, she’d kept him warm and fed. But she grew impatient. Her soul pined. She found herself hidden a wall away from his cell in the day. If she stood and took two steps to the right she’d be in full view. But she kept to the shadows and watched him on the datapad.

She was scared.

_Don’t touch me._

He would look straight through her, and maybe he wouldn’t even care enough to hate her.

Over and over again she’d thought of telling him. She’d tell him everything and he’d remember and smile at her, and he’d know who she was. He’d let her hold him, and he wouldn’t fade away this time.

Joy so bright and incandescent would fill her entire being then that she’d just sit there stunned for a moment. And then it would withdraw so sharply she’d feel herself catching on every sharp edge and splinter on the way down.

He wouldn’t remember just because she willed it so.

And oh, how it would break him.

He was on a wholly different path at the moment. And the person he was, and the person he’d grown to become couldn’t mesh in a matter of moments. Years it had taken, and she wanted to spill him out in minutes.

It would tear him in two.

Two days later, they’d told her much the same.

 _‘He needs to remember on his own,’_ they’d told her in the medbay. _‘The mind is a delicate thing: if you try to force something that’s not ready to surface, it could have the exact opposite effect intended._ ’ She’d just stared back numbly. ‘ _Any hope he has of remembering could be gone permanently.’_

 _‘Do you understand? You can’t tell him anything_.’

So on the sixth day, she repeated her routine, and she once more retreated to the shadows.

Hidden, like Ben’s memories.

.

.

.

The night came and the lights in the hall dimmed. She watched Ben fall back onto the bed and listened intently until she heard his breaths even out. He never pulled the blankets over himself, but she knew that even if he had, she would still round the wall – brave in his stillness – to see him real and well and alive.

Every other time, even when she could see him on the screen, panic and paranoia would set in, and she’d almost convince herself that none of it had been real. It was a trick until she could see him breathe in front of her. And only then she could breathe, too.

She stood and shook out the cramps and pins and needles from being curled into herself for so long. She took two steps right and carried on until her numb feet pulled her to the bars. She pressed herself into them like her body might disappear from this side and apparate onto the other if she pushed hard enough.

He was on his side, facing her, his softened chin and lips and the feather of his eyelashes throwing stark shadows across his jaw; the curve of his cheek. His hair fell in gentle waves across his forehead, spooling down to loose curls under his ear before flowing like a dark river down his neck – under his collar. All the strain around his eyes and mouth were relaxed in his sleep, and she imagined a safe place for him, and hoped that he was there.

 _One, two,_ she pulled the blankets up and over him, eyes rapt on his face. Her soul fell suddenly quiet in these moments – but not the usual kind. It wasn’t brimming with ache, but with anticipation. Even knowing that it couldn’t be answered didn’t dampen the burn of it.

Her soul, she thought, must just be glad to see its mate.

 _Three, four,_ she tucked them right up to his chin. The edge brushed his lips and she thought she could feel the softness of him against her skin, as though the blanket were an extension of her.

_Fi –_

She didn’t get to five.

He breathed, and opened his eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the length! Just wanted a chapter to build up a bit of suspense hehe. Thanks for your continued support - it means the world! 💜


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